hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
