I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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