So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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