Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
