why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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