having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
