Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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