I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
