She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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