Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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