Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
