I met the friendliest cop last night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Are my feet made of real feet?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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