It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
