i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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