mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
