Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
