i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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