Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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