i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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