I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
