You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
