i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We talked him into tasing himself.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
