Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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