Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
