So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
