I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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