take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
wow bdsm is so cute
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
