guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
