you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
