I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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