i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
