She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
