I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
