Can i not drive my cunt home
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
