i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
