New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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