the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
