I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
