I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
