i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
