everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
