and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
