i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
