This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
