bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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