i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
