he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I will be naked everywhere
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
