i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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