i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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