I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
