Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
